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Anybody who knows me is well aware that I’m a tad obsessed with Apple (along with just about everyone else). It's ironic because I used to be very anti-Apple and anti-iPhone because I had the first Android phone ever made. It was the HTC 1 and it was terrible. But, the first iPhone wasn’t so great either, so it was a level playing field at that point. Kinda. 

While every news outlet and pretend blogger (me) out there has covered the September 9th Apple keynote, I am here to list all the important highlights sans the tech jargon plus my sassy comments! ;)  

Everything Apple Announced 

Apple Watch OS2.

This affects like zero percent of the population because I know three people with an iWatch. But, Apple made basic updates to the operating system. They also created a bunch of new apps, including Stripe which is a HUGE game changer for digital health. It gives doctors the ability to measure their patients (who also have an Apple Watch) from outside the hospital in real time. Again, won’t affect the majority of people at this point, but since I interned at a digital health company, I need to mention it.  

Here is a quick snapshot of Apple Watch updates from Mashable’s Snapchat on the day of the release. If you haven’t seen their channel on the discover channel, you totes should! 

Screenshot from Mashable's Snapchat Discover 

Screenshot from Mashable's Snapchat Discover 

Apple also announced a new partnership with Hermes to create a very stylish and ridiculously expensive leather band that only the bougiest can afford. 

Apple watch feat. Hermès 

Apple watch feat. Hermès 

It looks nice. 

iPad Pro.

This is a mammoth sized iPad. The 12.9-inch screen is larger than the newest Macbook's display, which seems ridiculous.

This iPad is unlike its predecessors because it is built for business. It has four speakers instead of two and the new A9 processor gives it super powers. Apple also introduced an accompanying keyboard and… wait for it…. THE APPLE PENCIL. Can’t even make this stuff up. 

It is also true that Steve Jobs SWORE that Apple would never produce a stylus and that if they ever did, it would be the end. I would like to remind everyone that Steve Jobs was very dramatic and harsh. 

Also, there was this tweet today. Everything Apple has released since Jobs passed away was being worked on when he was alive. Maybe he’s just really good at PR………  

But really, the Apple Pencil is more than a stylus, the commercial showed it doing all sorts of fun drawing things that I will never be able to do, so I probz won’t be buying one. Also because I’m poor. 

Here’s another snapshot from Mashable’s Discover channel

Screenshot from Mashable's Discover tab 

Screenshot from Mashable's Discover tab 

Say it with me… expen$sive. 

The iPad prices are listed above in the screenshot. 

Apple Pencil: $99

Smart Keyboard: $169

That means you're looking at over $1,000 for an iPad Pro, the fancy pencil and the keyboard. Wowza. 

So, like I said, because of its large size and price point, its target market is probably for savvy business people and 12 year olds with very nice parents. 

Apple TV

The Apple TV received a MUCH deserved upgrade. The Apple TV really is great. You can stream Netflix, hulu, HBO, baseball (?), etc, etc. Basically it’s a mini computer for your tv. But until the new release, the OS felt outdated and lacked the fun gimmicks Apple lovers seek. 

So, it got a fresh new look to match the rest of Apple products, think iOS7 and Yosemite. It is now a casual game console as well. It’s not going to take down XBOX or Playstation, but you can play a game with chickens that resembles Frogger. Super cool! (Actually super excited about this) 

The new device also lets you store more on it, like iTunes TV shows, videos and music…. who downloads anything anymore? I don't know, people were excited about this. 

Apple TV also got a fancy new remote that makes playing games possible and makes the whole experience better. The old remote was BS and using the remote app from an iOS device was a STRUGGLE. First world problems. Apple really is here to solve all my problems. 

The Apple TV is now much faster and stronger. It's ready to take on the Huns just like Mulan. 

Again, here is a snapshot from Mashable. 

Snapshot from Mashable's Discover tab

Snapshot from Mashable's Discover tab

 

NEW iPHONES

The most anticipated update of the event. 

Apple released the iPhone 6s and 6s Plus. Because this is an ’S’ year, that means the physical appearance of the phone has not changed. Apple changed the aluminum casing to be stronger and added a more durable glass (because of Bendgate no doubt). 

The one noticeable physical update…. ROSE GOLD. Which everyone and their mother is reporting is really a light shade of Pink. Honestly, I think I’m going to get it so everyone knows it’s a 6s. Plus, who doesn’t want to challenge gender roles in the most pretentious way possible…. ;). 

But, the latest iPhone received plenty of Internal updates. 

Most importantly in my opinion… 3D touch. Which until a few months ago was called force touch. It’s the same technology that the Apple Watch uses to tell difference between a tap, a long tap, and a forceful press. This sounds ridiculous but it’s actually awesome. 3D touch is basically the desktop right click for the mobile device. It enables shortcuts for apps. Of course, Facebook and Instagram already have apps that employ 3D touch to enable shortcuts to things like ‘update status’ and ‘activity feed’ directly from the iPhone home screen. 

It is also great for all those iPhone gamers out there. ‘Endless’ possibilities for the games apparently. 

Apple also updated the camera to a full 12 megapixels, a 4 megapixel improvement from previous models. Apple has been notorious from holding off on adding megapixels and instead has focused on other camera improvements like aperture and motion control. The camera was amazing before and now it is even more amazing. Thanks for the great future insta pics, Apple. 

Other updates include a faster processor to handle all the new 3D touches and other general connectively improvements. You can also make “live” photos, which is Apple’s version of a GIF. Leave it to Apple to create yet another file type (not confirmed but I'm just going to assume). 

All prices for the iPhone remain the same as before. 

Pre-orders begin at 12:01am PDT Sept-12 because Apple wants to ruin everyone's Friday night. 

HOT TIP: Do not buy the 16gb model. It will fill up after 2 selfies and you download Snapchat. 

All-in-all, Apple released some amazing new products. The Apple TV and rose gold iPhone are on my hit list and they will be mine. 

I will most likely pass on the iPad pro and Hermes Apple Watch band, but that rose gold iPhone and new TV are all mine.